In honor of today being Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d do a rundown of the other bulls*** holidays that we continue to acknowledge despite their having lost all meaning or purpose.

7) Valentine’s Day.

Human beings seem to have this illogical need for ceremony and ritual. You can be a complete Homer Simpson all year long, but as long as you remember flowers on Valentine’s Day, you get out of jail free. Or, at least, you’ve fulfilled your obligations. Valentine’s Day is the Catholic Church of Holidays. Go through the motions and the slate is wiped clean. Forget, or worse yet, half-ass the holiday and the Boss is very mad. Isn’t the idea to be good and romantic every day, all-year long? But I guess we all know deep down this is impossible, so we put up with this meaningless holiday of obligation. And that doesn’t even go into the forced subsidization of the greeting card, chocolate and floral industries! But hey, this is the only holiday where you’re pretty much guaranteed to get laid, so it’s not all bad.

6) Columbus Day.

First of all, who gives an s***? He wasn’t the first. Plus, discovering something by stumbling bass-ackwards onto it is not exactly something to celebrate. It’s not like winning a battle or finding a cure for something. Then there’s the whole angle of “celebrating” the beginning of a genocidal holocaust. And then there’s the fact that some white trash Italians look at Columbus Day as their St. Patrick’s Day. But the most annoying thing about Columbus Day is that we’ve never been able to settle on exactly what this is… Is it a federal holiday? Do we get mail? Are banks open? You’re probably going to have to go into work anyway. Growing up in the south, I can tell you that never once did we have school off for Columbus Day.

5) St. Patrick’s Day.

One of the few saint feast days to really break though into the big time (though the feast of St. Polycarp of Smyrna is coming on strong later this month) St. Patrick’s Day has not only lost all religious connotations, it has almost lost all it’s ties to Ireland or Irishness. It’s true that everyone thinks they’re Irish on St. Patrick’s day. And I’m not talking about the drunken sorority girl who claims to be 1/32nd Irish on her roommate’s side… I’m talking about the fact that by 7pm after an afternoon of Car Bombs and Jameson shots, everyone seems to be talking in Gaelic, or at least slurring in a drunken mumble that resembles Gaelic. Then again, maybe drunken slurring IS the national language of the Irish.

4) Labor Day.

Back in the olden timey days there was this thing called the labor movement. It lead to these things we used to have called labor unions. The movement for organized labor was once considered as important as the woman’s movement or the civil rights movement. But you’ll have to wikipedia that now to understand why. Today, Labor day just goes by it’s better known name: National Barbecue Day. It’s the closest thing we have to a day off of work for no good reason what so ever. Labor day is useful, however, when partnered with Memorial Day to book end the seasons and let us know when summer begins and ends.

3) Grandparents Day.

Let’s face it. You don’t give a s*** about your grandparents. Quick pop quiz: are your grandparents still alive? Do you even know? At least Mothers/Fathers day serves as a day of fealty to remind spoiled little brats that the adults are supposed to be in charge. At best, Grandparents day is a day everyone forgets: you because you don’t care, and Pop-Pop because he thinks today is Pearl Harbor Day. And it’s still 1952. At worst, you have overly sentimental parents who actually pretend to care, and this day might lead to a forced visit with the old folks wherein you try not to catch whatever disease it is that is killing them.

2) Your Birthday.

I’ll admit it: I don’t give a s***. So you managed to crawl out of your mom on this day some number of decades ago. Woopdie doo. Whatever would this world be like if you weren’t a part of it?!? Trust me, I can imagine it, and it doesn’t seem that bad. Grown people who still make a big deal out of their birthday have this weird combination of childishness where they still want to feel like they are unique and special in the universe… and self-centered egomania wherein they somehow think it’s perfectly normal and rational for the rest of the world to stop for a second and actually give a f*** about them.

1) Arbor Day.

What the f*** is this? Some Lorax-inspired fake celebration? Have you ever celebrated this holiday? Is it even real or is this one elaborate hoax? We should come up with something completely random to do to celebrate this day for no good reason. Something like come to work with no pants or something. Otherwise, this “holiday” is nothing but a punchline.